dare to dream

'I'dea-licious: April 2008

Dear friends --

You are making so many interesting, thought-provoking comments, I'd like to ensure you receive your proper due.  So, without further ado, here's what you say and do. 

Thanks for being so 'I'dea-licious!

Fielding a 'dare to dream' team
Love this sort of discussion about the 'nuts and bolts' of dream building!!!  Melanie Mauer

Thank you Melanie.  I hadn't really considered writing more about how-to 'do' our dreams.  It's a great suggestion.  Will think on this.

***

Ways to additionally compensate a member of your Dare to Dream Team are a) write a recommendation for them on their LinkedIn page or website or b) offer to serve as a reference.  Janna Taylor

I like Janna's practical idea.  Writing a recommendation takes some effort, but what a way to let someone know you appreciate their work. It can also fall into the category of 'barter' which women tend to do marvelously well -- especially 'stay-at-home moms' (e.g. for my friend Kathleen, growing up, there were eight children, dad was just out of law school:  for her mother, barter was a beautiful thing!)

***

Collaborations are great because they bring a fresh perspective.  I am learning that I cannot do everything (i.e. I need help.) and to trust my instincts on who I bring to my collaborative table.

As an architect, Erinn collaborates on a daily basis.  And whether we realize it, I think we all do  Who are you collaborating with?  Whose fresh perspective (and quite possibly diametrically opposed) can you invite into your life?

***

dare to dreamgirl:  Jessica Gooley
Congrats [Jessica]!  Your darling animals [Belly Button Bunch] are worthy of promotion...I will feature on my blog soon.   Dana King

Kudos to Dana for her systergy. Dana not only provided advice, she supported Jessica by posting about the Belly Button Bunch on her blog.   For another lovely example of systergy, take a look at Macy's blog.      

***

Getting in the game
When you are playing the game you are always a winner!  Barbara Torris

Great point Barbara.  I think that sometimes we are so concerned about playing the game perfectly that we fail to show up.  And yet when we show up, and suit up, some amazing things can happen.  Remember the 'what if' game.  What if you hadn't gone to that one event you almost didn't go to?

***

What is your dream? 
Word of caution:  Trust is a key element. Only engage those whom you trust can offer objective, constructive criticism. And you must trust yourself to handle feedback without feeling judged.   Anna Giraldo-Kerr

Thank you Anna.   Trust is so important isn't it?  Trust that they will give constructive advice AND trust that they care about us.  The Simon, Paula, Randy archetypes come to mind.

***

When we say 'no'
In Peggy's April 15 post, she writes "some times we seek validation by being needed by others", which leads us to say 'yes', when we would really prefer to say 'no'. 

I continue to be fascinated by the words 'yes' and 'no', they are such powerful, powerful words.  Have any of you conducted the experiment of saying 'no' for a day, considering what your 'no's meant you were saying 'yes' to? 

***

American Idol:  Which judge are you?
Note that Simon has been loved OVER TIME, his value was not seen in the first episode of the first season...Do we give the "Simon's" in our life a chance for continued feedback or do we shut them off once they deliver the first "harsh" news?   Stacey Petrey

Have there been people in our lives that we didn't appreciate immediately, but because we were stuck with them (by choice or unavoidable circumstance) they have come to be among our most trusted advisors?  For those of us who are 'Simon-like', what are we doing to ensure that feedback is delivered in a way that it can actually be heard?

Thank you again to each of you for your comments both on and off-line! Keep 'em coming!

Affirming our 'I'dentity

My friend Aaron recently went to a book-signing for Julie Andrew's book Home:  A Memoir of my Early Years, had two copies autographed, and was kind enough to gift me the second copy.

Now for those of you that don't know Aaron -- he's 6' 6", and a former college football player, making his fondness for Julie Andrews all the more darling.

Even so, I was far more appreciative than I could express.

This gift wasn't just a book, it was an affirmation of my 'I', my 'I'dentity -- my self, as it were.

Perhaps you recall that when I was three I saw The Sound of Music for the first time.  It was this film that prompted my discovery of music and the piano, and one of my earliest, perhaps most important childhood dreams -- that of becoming a concert pianist.

Did he, could he, have known all of this?

Likely not.

This past week my friend Stacey Petrey gave a similarly thoughtful gift in hosting another More Women Networking luncheon at the Harvard Club here in Boston.

She knows we appreciate her organizing the luncheon.

But I don't think she quite comprehends, nor can she, just how much of a gift this luncheon actually was.

For, just like Aaron, Stacey gave a gift to our 'I's.

So much of our lives are about shoring up our roles as caregivers, nurturers, connectors.  How wonderful it was to have two hours focused on our identities, our selves.

Empowerment of women?  Perhaps.

The well-being of More Women?

Without a doubt.

Has someone given you a gift recently that you were moved by, far more than you had anticipated?  Were they unexpectedly affirming a nascent or forgotten piece of your self?

When was the last time you spent a few hours focused on your 'I'dentity?

Related posts:
Tell your soundtrack story:  Of childhood and Christmas
An artist of encouragement
Mary and Martha
Pew Research Center "Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work" 
Bounty

When we say no

I say No, No, No No, No, No--until I see one [an investment] that is exactly what I am looking for.  And then I say Yes.  All I have to do is say Yes a few times in my life and I've made my fortune.We say no a thousand times before we can yes.  Warren Buffett

When we say 'no', what are we saying 'yes 'to?

As a parent, when we say 'no' to TV before our children play outside, aren't we saying 'yes' to their physical and emotional health?

As a student, when we say 'no' to the internship that is handily ours so as to seek out one that isn't,  aren't we saying 'yes' to discovering new skills so as to be even better prepared for the job market?

If I'm Paula Abdul and I say 'no' I didn't like that number, am I not saying 'yes' to my words meaning something?

When we say 'no' to heading up another committee at school because we are tapped out, aren't we saying 'yes' to our children and spouse, our self?

If I'm Katie Couric, if I had said 'no' I won't take the CBS Evening News gig, wouldn't she have been saying 'yes' to my brand, 'yes' to why people hire me, 'yes' to keeping my career on track?   (I confess, however, in response to Stacey P's comment on that post, had I been there, I don't know that I would have done it differently).

What about the entrepreneurs over at sk*rt who have others begging to give them money (with lots of strings attached)?  When they say 'no', aren't they saying 'yes' to more risk, but more importantly to themselves, their vision?

Photo courtesy of Andrea Heimer, whose 'Yes' painting I recently purchased and love

When we say 'no' to living out the dreams that others (parents, spouse, friends, children) have for us, aren't we saying 'yes' to the vision we have for our self?  Or at least to figuring out what vision we have for our self?

When we say 'no', we have said 'yes' to something else -- an emphatic, meaningful 'yes.'   

In learning to say 'no', we are indeed learning to say 'yes', not only 'yes' to others, but 'yes' to our selves.

To prioritize.
To discern.
To choose.
To be wise.

There's always a 'yes' on the other side of the 'no' -- who and what are we saying 'yes' to?

How are we saying yes to our self?

Over the next few hours, every time you say 'no', will you think about what you are saying 'yes' to?

P.S.  Thank you to Peggy D for inspiring this post.

Related posts:
Morning sickness metaphor
A down payment on our dream
Learning to say no
Psyche and choice
Words to dream by:   Anne Morrow Lindbergh
   

Lessons learned from Katie Couric

If successful women build portable skills, and if journalistic chops like those of Katie Couric are ostensibly portable, why has her stint at CBS been such a debacle?

And within the context of 'daring to dream', is there a lesson to be learned?

As we try and answer this question, there's a framework known as jobs to be done developed by Professor Clayton M. Christensen that I think can be useful.  Rather than trying to understand the typical viewer's characteristics (age, gender, for example), the 'jobs to be done' framework focuses instead on what job a viewer needs done or what problem she needs solved, and who or what can she hire to do that job.

For example, in Caitlin Flanagan's piece A Woman's Place - Katie Couric's Long Day's Journey into Evening, Flanagan writes that the job that women with small children need done on weekday mornings is "adult conversation".

When they tuned into Katie Couric on The Today Show, they were hiring Ms. Couric to help fill the time during "one of the most psychologically complex and lonely--and most emotionally fulfilling--times of their lives; their tenure as mothers to small children."

However, the very same women (the "typical viewer") who had hired Ms. Couric in the mornings who have nothing but time, time that must be filled, endured, killed -- is the person who is in a race against the clock by early evening...

At nine o’clock in the morning, Katie was the personification of The Today Show in its perfected form: not just a television program, but a cheery marker of time, a blessed imposition of structure and order on the disquieting entropy of life at home with children.  But at 6:30 in the evening, she’s a drag....Just one more person who wants something from you...nagging you to be interested—really, really interested—in Anbar province.

The problem that stay-at-home moms with small children need solved (not enough time, too much conversation) in the evening is diametrically opposed to the problem they need solved (too much time, not enough adult conversation) in the morning.

Katie Couric was the right person to solve the morning problem.

At night she has been all wrong.

We can learn some great lessons from Ms. Couric's career.  For example:

When you or I are thinking about starting a new business (whether an Etsy shop or large corporation) or a new job, what problem will we be helping people solve? What job will they be hiring our product to do?

Does the problem that we want to solve for people play to our strengths? If not, is there a job that needs to be done that does?

What do you do if there's a mismatch between the job you were hired to do and the job you want to do?

In your relationships, what job are your loved ones hiring you to do?  And you them?

P.S.  Thanks to Whitney Clayton for passing along Caitlin Flanagan's piece which, in turn, inspired this post.

Related posts:

Now the News -- Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys

HBR's Star Women Build Portable Skills

Play to your strengths

What is your dream?

Asking and answering the big questions

American Idol: Which judge are you?

Simon, Paula, Randy.

Each of the American Idol judges has an idiosyncratic approach to critiquing the contestants.

Let's start with Randy.

Randy -- Randy likes to remind both the contestants and the audience of his stature as a producer/musician. Expertise is important, but in telling the contestant that they weren't as good as Mariah, Whitney et al. all of whom he's played with, the critique tends to be more about Randy than the contestant.

Paula -- Paula gives compliments, lots of them. But because her need to be liked is so palpable, she seems to give to get. This only serves to further discount her already discounted opinion -- because she's a woman we expect her to say something nice. Not to mention her often muddled thoughts.

Simon -- Simon gives it to the contestants straight up. They know it and we know it and so we trust and value his opinion. Could he be more kind? Absolutely. Is he any less self-interested than Paula or Randy? Probably not.

But in this single moment -- when the judges must give feedback to the contestants -- providing his honest opinion, and thus maintaining his integrity supersedes asserting his stature or being loved. Ironically, he has become the 'biggest hitter' and most 'beloved' of the three.

I know that it is unfair to reduce people to a single trait or characteristic, but if we consider these judges as archetypes, here's the question:

When our husband, daughter, son, friends, co-workers share their dreams with us, haven't they figuratively just sung, and are now waiting for our critique?

If they are dreaming big, do we applaud them? Or do we tell them them we're not sure that they can realize their goal so as to shore up our own self-esteem? Regardless of why we discourage them, is our commentary more about us than them?

Or, are we so eager to be loved, especially as parents, that we aren't willing to be honest. And thus, over time, we are eroding the value of our opinion? For women, finding the balance between being supportive and 'keeping it real' is especially difficult.

Or do we honor others by giving our honest assessment? With love, mind you -- Simon could use a little more love.

There's probably a bit of Randy, Paula and Simon in all of us, depending on who we're interacting with, how we're feeling about ourselves on a particular day, but in general, who do we need more of?

And who do you need more of in your life?

P.S. A conversation with my friend Mike Kopelman inspired this post. Thanks Mike!

Related posts:
Why we love American Idol
Learning to 'Let it Be'
Rachel, Leah and 'So You Think You Can Dance?'
Et tu, Whitney?
Tie-dye, daughters and dreams

Rick Riordan's 'Golden Fleece'

In Rick Riordan's book The Sea of Monsters, the second in a series of children's novels loosely based on ancient Greek mythology, the magical tree that guards Camp Half-Blood has been poisoned.  Perseus (Percy) Jackson, a half-blood son of Poseidon, and Annabeth, half-blood daughter of Athena, have only days to find the Golden Fleece, the one magical item, that will heal the tree before Camp Half-Blood is overrun by monsters. 

After the Golden Ram was sacrificed, the Golden Fleece hung on a tree in the middle of the kingdom. Riordan's character Annabeth explains, "The Fleece brought prosperity to the land. Animals stopped getting sick. Plants grew better. Farmers had bumper crops. Plagues never visited. That's why Jason wanted the Fleece. It can revitalize any land where it's placed. It cures sickness, strengthens nature, clean up pollution...."

It's striking that as Psyche continues her journey to really grow up (aka her hero's journey), her second task requires that she gather fleece, fleece that has the power to heal. And yet to obtain the fleece she must wait until sundown when the rams disperse, so as to safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

The Fleece thus symbolizes the power to get things done in a way that gives life to and revitalizes others. 

In the How Star Women Build Portable Skills post, Stacey P observed that we need to beware the steam-rolling, head-butting approach. Should we go down this path, we are likely to get crushed.  Worse yet, in our effort to get the fleece in order to make a difference, we may ultimately get fleeced (aka become corrupted) by what we did to get there. 

When we decide we are ready to go on our own hero's journey, are we able to do so without upending relationships (e.g. butting heads) with our loved ones? Is it possible to get something done for ourselves, even as we give life to others, whether children, husband, friends?

Related posts:

Psyche's 2nd Task:  Obtain golden fleece
Second Thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task
Doorsteps, doors and dreams
The Galadriel Test

Fielding a 'dare to dream' team

We don't get our dreams done on our own.

We weren't meant to.

Which is why we need 'dare to dream' teams.

Like my 'dare to dream' creative team.

Brandon Jameson -- Brandon Jameson designed the logo and banner for 'dare to dream', everything Know Your Neighbor and my personal stationery. Brandon's design work visually captures what I try to convey in words.

LaNola Kathleen Stone -- In the first three issues of Organize Magazine, you saw Kathleen's images, as well as her work as Creative Director. Through her photography Kathleen captures the magnificence of people and places.


All rights reserved. LaNola Kathleen Stone, 2008.
Note: For those of you wondering where your 'Christmas 2007' card was, well here it is -- 'Spring 2008'. Will you make sure I have your correct mailing address?

Mallika Sundaramurthy -- Several years ago, Mallika brought a story I'd written to life through her painting; her latest feat is the myth of Psyche.

All images are copyright by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008. 

As I analyze the dynamic of my relationship with this creative 'dream team', there seem to be some broadly applicable observations:

1. Start with short-term projects -- If you intend to start a business or non-profit, before expanding the scope of the relationship, work on a short-term project first, such as a benefit for the community or your children's school.

Lamentably, I don't always do this. Either because I'm too relationship-centered and/or overly excited about someone's dream, I sometimes impetuously move into a major project, without vetting my partner(s) and they me, only to find out later we can't work together: we have different timetables, different visions, different views on the give vs. get. That's when things become dicey. Take it from a sadder, poorer, but wiser girl.

2. Trust our collaborators' competence -- Once we've worked on a few limited scope projects and have fully worked out rules of engagement, it's important to trust our collaborators. If we're micro-managing, perhaps we just need to stop micro-managing. Or maybe we didn't pick our partners as well as we thought we did.

For example, after I broadstroked for Brandon what I wanted for the 'dare to dream' logo, he came back with something completely different which I didn't like. But because I'd loved his previous work, I was willing to 'live' with his vision for a few days, eventually realize that his vision was perfect, just perfect -- When we put our heads together, we experience systergy, and can accomplish our dreams.

3. Recognize that our collaborators will not be good at what we're good at - If we choose someone for a project because they can do what we cannot do (design, photograph, paint), the almost certain corollary is that we will be good at things they aren't.

It was not too long ago that I believed that if you couldn't spell you were dumb. Until. Until I discovered that there were some who thought I was dumb because I had (and have) a poor sense of direction (even after living in Manhattan for 10 years, when I came up out of the subway, and would begin to head east, you could be sure that I was heading west -- a true contrarian indicator). Am I dumb? No. Are people that don't spell well dumb? No. We are just smart in different ways - and when we can harness 'smart in different ways', we have the makings of a 'dare to dream' team.

4. Give people their due in terms of compensation and credit -- When our collaborators do good work, let's give them credit. Tell as many people as possible. Just because they don't ask for praise and/or compensation, doesn't mean they don't want or even need it. They may not know how to ask, or even what they are worth. What a gift we can give if we help our friends and co-workers to know their worth.

What 'dare to dream' project are you working on or thinking of undertaking? Do you have a 'dare to dream' team?

How are we helping our spouse/friends/colleagues with their dreams? Are we giving them enough information so that they can help us with ours?

To what extent are we as parents part of our children's 'dare to dream' team? Do we collaborate with them? We can't really do vet them, but we can trust their strengths, and not micro-manage.

What about the people that are part of the 'rearing our children' 'dare to dream' team? Their teachers, coaches, nannies, friends' parents? Do we trust and appreciate them?

Are we adequately compensating people for the work that they are doing whether via money, barter (an exchange of goods or services)? And if they ask not to be paid, are we insisting -- especially with women?

Related posts:
Spring cleaning and dreaming
Hero of support
Getting gratitude
Asking for what we want
Valuing what women do

Myth of Psyche

According to psychologists Jean Shinoda Bolen and Robert Johnson, there are very few stories that describe the psychology of feminine, rather than masculine, development. 

The myth of Psyche is one of them.

Psyche is a mortal woman who wants to find her estranged husband, Eros, God of Love and son of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, whose jealous fit led to their meeting and falling in love in the first place, holds the key to their being reunited: it often happens that whatever has wounded us is instrumental in our healing.

To become who she is – to accomplish all that she is meant to – Psyche needs to not only love and nurture and care and connect, she also must learn to sort through and prioritize her possibilities, obtain power without selling her soul, keep her eyes on her prize, and say no.

May I now share with you Mallika Sundaramurthy's original Myth of Psyche illustrations?

Task 1:  Sort the seeds - Sift through and prioritize possibilities

Task 2:  Gather the fleece -- Get things done

Task 3:  Fill the flask -- Accomplish a goal

Task 4:  Fill a box with beauty ointment -- Learn to say no

Which of these four tasks is most difficult for you?

What can we learn from the men in our lives as we complete our hero's journey?

What can men learn from us?

If you think these images are as wonderful as I do, please take a moment to let Mallika know.  She may even be willing to sell a print to you  -- I know I'm going to want one.

All images are copyright by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008. 

P.S.  Mallika is the artist who designed my pOstcard for the Oprah contest last year.  It's fabulous, isn't it?

Related posts:
Stories we love and live by
A Hero's Journey
Psyche and choice
Learning to say no
The Galadriel test

Getting in the game

I went to a Celtics game last week -- my first actually.

I was neither a player, nor a cheerleader, but a spectator. 

But you know, I didn't feel like a spectator.

Perhaps because my friend Kim had purchased four tickets at the East End House's Cooking for a Cause benefit, and invited two up-and-coming professional women, and myself, along.  There is something empowering about paying our own way.  Remember the Destiny Child's song, all the honeys making money, throw your hands up at me?  Well, I'm throwing my hands up at Kim.

Then there were the remarkably short lines in the women's bathrooms, a metaphor, odd as it may seem, that women still aren't contributing as they could in the workplace.  Beth Peterson of life as a hero made the comment some weeks back that getting in the game can be so much easier, when someone invites us, and then shows us how, to play.  Being the oldest of the four women, I certainly hope that I am doing my share of inviting and teaching...

The winning shot of the evening was the systergy, the connecting and collaborating, as we discussed our career aspirations, and the challenge of balancing work, family, church, and life.

None of us were cheerleaders, nor were we any of us dribbling the ball down the court.

But we were cheering one another on -- and playing ball.

Spectators -- yes.

But in all the important ways, we were players in the game.

Our game.

Related posts:
The hazards of 'getting in the game'
Throw down your pom-poms
A down payment on our dream
Do you need to do-it-yourself?
Soundtracks:  finding our voice, telling our story

HBR's 'How Star Women Build Portable Skills'

In the 'What is your dream?' questionnaire, one of the questions posed is -- What is the biggest challenge (personal or professional) I've overcome?  Who would I be had I not surmounted this?

Because one of my most daunting professional challenges was working on Wall Street, I was intrigued when my friend Stacey Petrey referred me to Professor Boris Groysberg's article 'How Star Women Build Portable Skills', a study which states that women are generally more successful than men in moving from one job to another because of the portability of our skills.

Groysberg states "women have learned how to build external networks of clients, associates, and other professionals outside the organizations - that remain intact when they depart...Not because women set out to do this, but because they [women] are often marginalized and have to fight institutional barriers, so they build external networks out of necessity."

I found Professor Groysberg's case study so affirming that I sent him an e-mail telling him -- yes, I really am trying to walk my talk of getting in the game).  This contact serendipitously led to an interview by Rob Weisman at the Boston Globe for his article on Groysberg's findings.

 

Can you relate to this as much as I can?   

You're trying to figure out how to get something important done, whether personally or professionally, and it's just not happening.

So you get creative -- you buck convention -- and you get it done (whether at work, in the community, your children's school), and in the process you find you've developed one of your greatest strengths.

What is that strength?

After you read Groysberg's case study, and Weisman's article, what would you add?

What thing have you tried to get done for which traditional channels were blocked, so you created a workaround solution?  What 'portable skills' did you acquire in the process?

Would you agree that there are parallels to Psyche's 2nd Task of gathering the fleece?

Have any of you read Clayton Christensen's The Innovator's Solution?  Isn't it true that as we are trying to get something done, we are in effect the innovator vs. the incumbent?

Related posts:
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
Rachel vs. Leah:  Reclaiming our power to dream
Book I Like:  There's a Business in Everywoman
What if Madeleine L'Engle hadn't dared to dream?
Valuing what women do